How to Eat a Mango in Tandem

Step One – Get a ripe mango. The preferable method is to pluck it from a tree yourself using some sort of ingenuitive instrument (like a spear or throwing star) in the company of a member of the opposite sex (or an attractive member of the same sex if you swing that way), but mangoes from your local farmers’ market or grocery store work just as well.

Step Two – Preferably in the company of your new partner in mango consumption, use a sharp knife to peel it completely until you are holding the cool, wet, slimy fruit in your hand. (If you are doing this alone, simply refer to Step Nine and take a shower.)

Step Three – Offer a bite to your partner as you hold it for them to bite from.

Step Four – Lock eyes.

Step Five – Take a bite yourself, closing your eyes to completely enjoy the burst of sweetness and the sensation of the soft fruit against your tongue.

Step Six – Reengage eye contact with your partner.

Step Seven – Offer another bite to your partner, still holding the dripping fruit in your hands.

Step Eight– Maintaining eye contact, allow your partner to take a bite from one side as you take a bite from the other.

Step Nine – Devour the fruit together, allowing the juices to flow down your chin and arms.

Step Ten – Once the pit is picked clean, remove the juice from one another’s bodies and consult the Kama Sutra.

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