I have, over the last several years, been trying to figure out the best way for me to write. Unfortunately, I often spend more time thinking about what I want to write than I actually do writing. The result is that I have a blog which is seldom utilized to its best capacity. I watched the movie Julie and Julia this past weekend and was really inspired by the stick-to-itiveness shown by the first half of the titular characters. Where I have usually fallen short in my quest to “write the world” is that I’ll often go days, even weeks, without actually writing anything. I’ll engage in the occasion social media conversation or write a utilitarian email from time to time, but as far as regular writing, it’s just not a habit that I’ve cultivated for myself. As I told someone last night, the hardest thing about having a motto is living up to it.
Part of my reluctance has been my sheer egoic tendency to flamboyantly splash about in this ADD diagnosis as if it were the fountain of youth. I have such a firm belief that ADD should not be regarded as a weakness, I often play with the criteria as they manifest in my own life just so I can make sure they’re still there and in good working order. It may sound twisted, but there has been a large part of myself that has simply not wanted to conform to any kind of order, even order imposed by myself, in order to prove that I can still have value in spite of my diagnosis. Of course, in my effort to prove the value of my disorder, I usually end up missing out on what I am truly capable of. As much as I have seen the end goal of my journey over the last ten years to be the diminishment of my ego in order to make way for a larger being, I often get so caught up in the titles that I give myself, and that others have given me, it is often impossible to become what I truly want to be. I understand that this may sound foolish, but unfortunately, the Fool is one of the monikers I’ve given myself.
I’m not writing this to get down on myself. I’m actually just writing this because I have a much greater compulsion these days to really get into gear and manifest the life that I’ve dreamed of for so long. As they say, there are dreamers and there are doers. Well, although it appears that I have done a lot over the last ten years, I have been largely dreaming and not so much doing. However, as the calendar has just rolled into my fortieth year, I have felt a much greater urge to establish some better habits for myself. After all, so far, this is been one of the most transformative years of my life yet I feel a bit remorseful that I haven’t expressed more of the journey through this inken soul I speak so fondly of.
There have been a number of times that I’ve wished to write more often, but then the ideas all start clamoring to be the first one out and I get stymied. However, I’m not so worried about which one gets out first anymore. I just know that I need to get them out and trust that they’ll come out at the right time and reach the desired audience.
As I’ve toyed with this blog, I have attempted to write stuff of the highest mind, to utilize the blog space to release inspirational musings that will motivate others to live the life they’ve imagined. Yet as I’ve recently been looking over the path of verbosity that I’ve left in my wake, I find that it is largely theoretical and very little about the actual journey I’ve been on. Listening to the advice of blogging professionals, I have sought to create that niche whereby I can say exactly what I’m offering to readers and how they will be able to improve their lives by directing their traffic down my literary avenues. Yet the traffic has to this point not been steady enough to make the website financially sustainable. Finding myself with less than thirty days left before my registration expires, I feel that it is time to get all that I can out of this blog thing and just let the niche grow organically instead of trying to force some kind of opus to come out of it.
After all, although I have had this vision for InkenSoul Press to become some sort of publishing house, I have to face the fact that for the time being, it’s just this Steve character trying to express himself in a way that provides value to his community. From what I’ve been able to gather during my 40 year tenure of directing this body around the planet, the value of Steve can’t really be relegated to any one thing, but like most humans trying to find their way, it is an intrinsic quality that simply offers yet another portrait of this lovely, elegant thing we call “life.”
All of this is to say that I’m liable to be hitting this stuff pretty hot and heavy so put on your reading glasses and hold onto your hats.