Finding Normal

I spent the last several years trying to find my place in life. I began searching for it through the Church; in allegiance to God, I sought to be a servant. I searched for it in other people, entertaining them, serving them, and knowing them. And I searched for it in myself, only to find that one of the reasons I couldn’t find my place was due to what this society deems a neurological disorder. I was damaged, unfruitful, and unable to function properly in society without continuous medication and treatment.
I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder earlier this year. The truth is that I don’t believe in ADD in its most popular form. It’s not that I don’t believe in it exactly, I just don’t consider it a disorder. A “disorder” is considered to be anything that would impair the way you operate in a “normal” society. I guess the question has to be, “what is normal?” For me, normal has been considered modern American Capitalist/Consumerist society.
There is little compassion in normal society. There is little fairness, justice, or peace. If I can’t function properly in this society and don’t mesh with society’s desires and systems, maybe there is another one in which I can. And for that, I must explore. Through all of this searching to understand God, others, and myself, I have realized that I may never find my place if I don’t continue to search. The answers I’ve been given so far have not brought me peace.

This is an excerpt of The Rucksack Letters by Steve McAllister. Buy your copy of the eBook on


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